There's nothing like moving to a place that requires you wear clothes that show your body all of the time. Wearing my bathing suit yesterday nearly caused an anxiety attack.
I bought a scale at Value Village today. We didn't bring the wii with us, so I won't be using the wii fit to weigh myself anymore.
First weigh in tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry if I let anyone down by "pausing" my journey. I don't like to use the word quit because I still don't entirely view it that way, even though I know I've gained. Denial. I definitely let myself down.
But I'm checking the self loathing at the door, and starting anew once again.
I wonder how many times I will say that in my life? God knows I've already said it plenty. Doesn't matter.
I'm only living in the present. And the present is me finishing this immediate process and loving myself. And then I only have to maintain my journey for the rest of my life, right? :)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
December? Where did you come from?
A friend of mine called me out on my shit about a month ago and asked me why I hadn't updated since September. That is an excellent question.
Some big changes are coming up for me. Big changes that will hopefully reinvigorate my drive and will to keep up my journey.
Some big changes are coming up for me. Big changes that will hopefully reinvigorate my drive and will to keep up my journey.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
It's nice to be back.
-1.1 pounds.
It's nice to get back into the swing of things on a positive note. I stepped on the scale yesterday with a little fear, afraid of the damage control I was going to have to after a month of not journaling and being vigilant in my dieting. Imagine my surprise when I was down a little since the last time I weighed at the end of July! :)
I'm not celebrating, but am definitely stoked that I can maintain without too much effort. :) Losing a pound in a month is not high-five worthy, but eating for a month without weight gain means I'm finally getting this whole "life-time dieting" thing down. And I'm feeling good about the future too!
I started student teaching September 1st. I was a bit fearful that I would run into the same problems I ran into when I was teaching preschool--cheese snacks with the kids and constantly bad eating. But actually, I've found that its exactly the opposite!
A majority of the teachers I'm working with and/or eat lunch with are all Weight Watchers people. Its so encouraging to finally be surrounded by people that are going through the exact same thing I am. They've been fat, they've fought with food, and they're all eating to better themselves.
Another good thing is being a teacher keeps you busy! I don't have time to mindless snack or even snack at all for that matter. I'm always on the go! Its nice...haha. I only take healthy snacks with me so when we do give the kids snack in the afternoon, I can have a fiber one bar or a banana to curb my cravings. :)
The only real challenge I'm seeing at this point is finding the time and energy to work out. One of the other teachers I'm working with gets up at 5 AM to do her workouts before she comes to school, but I don't know if I can physically do that...lol. My eating is in control and back on track, I just need to get some exercise in the mix, and I'll be cruising towards my goal in no time. :)
Oh, and favorite new place to eat? Mongolian Grill! :) I can pile my bowl full of every vegetable I can think of, and they toss it with chicken, and throw it next to a cup of rice. SO delicious. Next time I'm going to try tofu. Yyyuuummmmm. :)
Current weight: 162.7
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 7.5
It's nice to get back into the swing of things on a positive note. I stepped on the scale yesterday with a little fear, afraid of the damage control I was going to have to after a month of not journaling and being vigilant in my dieting. Imagine my surprise when I was down a little since the last time I weighed at the end of July! :)
I'm not celebrating, but am definitely stoked that I can maintain without too much effort. :) Losing a pound in a month is not high-five worthy, but eating for a month without weight gain means I'm finally getting this whole "life-time dieting" thing down. And I'm feeling good about the future too!
I started student teaching September 1st. I was a bit fearful that I would run into the same problems I ran into when I was teaching preschool--cheese snacks with the kids and constantly bad eating. But actually, I've found that its exactly the opposite!
A majority of the teachers I'm working with and/or eat lunch with are all Weight Watchers people. Its so encouraging to finally be surrounded by people that are going through the exact same thing I am. They've been fat, they've fought with food, and they're all eating to better themselves.
Another good thing is being a teacher keeps you busy! I don't have time to mindless snack or even snack at all for that matter. I'm always on the go! Its nice...haha. I only take healthy snacks with me so when we do give the kids snack in the afternoon, I can have a fiber one bar or a banana to curb my cravings. :)
The only real challenge I'm seeing at this point is finding the time and energy to work out. One of the other teachers I'm working with gets up at 5 AM to do her workouts before she comes to school, but I don't know if I can physically do that...lol. My eating is in control and back on track, I just need to get some exercise in the mix, and I'll be cruising towards my goal in no time. :)
Oh, and favorite new place to eat? Mongolian Grill! :) I can pile my bowl full of every vegetable I can think of, and they toss it with chicken, and throw it next to a cup of rice. SO delicious. Next time I'm going to try tofu. Yyyuuummmmm. :)
Current weight: 162.7
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 7.5
Friday, July 22, 2011
Back on the wagon
-2 pounds.
I tried really hard this week. And it felt great. I snacked minimally, and worked to prepare for those times when I know I'm most likely to be weak. After last week's "wake up gain," I really started thinking about the times and places that I'm most likely to cheat, and planned out ways to work around those.
For example, most days, I get off at 1 PM, and when I get off, I'm usually pretty hungry. But, I also tend to run errands, like picking up milk or stopping by Target, since these places are right next to work and/or on the way home. And its these times when I'm most likely to grab an egg roll at Safeway or get another coffee to satisfy my hunger before I get home and have lunch. So in the morning, I simply throw an extra fiber one bar in my purse, and before I go shopping after work, I sat in my car and ate the snack with some water. Problem solved! I'm no longer ravishingly hungry, and go about my errands!
Work has been another HUGE problem spot for me. My managers have been working to "appreciate" us, and they do this primarily with food. LOTS of food. LOTS of Doritos, candy, ice cream, cookie dough, fried chicken, pizza, cupcakes, and the list goes on and on. I'll admit I haven't been on the defense when it comes to these situations, and would have a bite here or a cupcake there. Not a good plan, especially considering a handful of Doritos usually leads to another handful.
So, I put a box of Triscuits in my locker, and some laughing cow cheese squares in the fridge. I generally bring a snack with me for my breaks anyways, but sometimes the snacks on the table look better than my one ounce bag of baked chips or fruit and nut bar. This week, when I got a temptation to eat what was on the table, I went and grabbed my back-up locker food instead. I know that may sound silly to some people, but it worked for me. *shrugs* Sometimes I think my brain isn't wired like "normal eaters" brains, and therefore have to go to extra efforts into "tricking" it into thinking its getting a treat.
I did one work out routine on the TV on Monday (that required lots of lunges, uggghh), and on Wednesday, I walked to the train station in Tukwila instead of driving to it for the Sounders game. (4 miles, woot woot!)
Oh, and the Sounders game? I rocked it. I brought a PB&J and some chips with me to the game and ate them before going inside. I got my usually 2 mini pretzels (WITHOUT dipping cheese!), and then ate a fiber one bar later when I got a craving for popcorn. At the games lately, I've been over indulging in a small nacho here or a bite of hot dog there, so I was super proud of myself for preparing for my food cravings and overcoming them.
I'm coming to realize more and more that my journey is more mental than anything else. I started reading a different book titled "Hungry," which I've really enjoyed because the author is honest, but not self-loathing. He talks about how his struggle with food is only 10% about food, and 90% about the spiritual and emotional needs that he tries to fill with the food he eats. It makes a lot of sense. :)
Current weight: 163.1
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 8
I tried really hard this week. And it felt great. I snacked minimally, and worked to prepare for those times when I know I'm most likely to be weak. After last week's "wake up gain," I really started thinking about the times and places that I'm most likely to cheat, and planned out ways to work around those.
For example, most days, I get off at 1 PM, and when I get off, I'm usually pretty hungry. But, I also tend to run errands, like picking up milk or stopping by Target, since these places are right next to work and/or on the way home. And its these times when I'm most likely to grab an egg roll at Safeway or get another coffee to satisfy my hunger before I get home and have lunch. So in the morning, I simply throw an extra fiber one bar in my purse, and before I go shopping after work, I sat in my car and ate the snack with some water. Problem solved! I'm no longer ravishingly hungry, and go about my errands!
Work has been another HUGE problem spot for me. My managers have been working to "appreciate" us, and they do this primarily with food. LOTS of food. LOTS of Doritos, candy, ice cream, cookie dough, fried chicken, pizza, cupcakes, and the list goes on and on. I'll admit I haven't been on the defense when it comes to these situations, and would have a bite here or a cupcake there. Not a good plan, especially considering a handful of Doritos usually leads to another handful.
So, I put a box of Triscuits in my locker, and some laughing cow cheese squares in the fridge. I generally bring a snack with me for my breaks anyways, but sometimes the snacks on the table look better than my one ounce bag of baked chips or fruit and nut bar. This week, when I got a temptation to eat what was on the table, I went and grabbed my back-up locker food instead. I know that may sound silly to some people, but it worked for me. *shrugs* Sometimes I think my brain isn't wired like "normal eaters" brains, and therefore have to go to extra efforts into "tricking" it into thinking its getting a treat.
I did one work out routine on the TV on Monday (that required lots of lunges, uggghh), and on Wednesday, I walked to the train station in Tukwila instead of driving to it for the Sounders game. (4 miles, woot woot!)
Oh, and the Sounders game? I rocked it. I brought a PB&J and some chips with me to the game and ate them before going inside. I got my usually 2 mini pretzels (WITHOUT dipping cheese!), and then ate a fiber one bar later when I got a craving for popcorn. At the games lately, I've been over indulging in a small nacho here or a bite of hot dog there, so I was super proud of myself for preparing for my food cravings and overcoming them.
I'm coming to realize more and more that my journey is more mental than anything else. I started reading a different book titled "Hungry," which I've really enjoyed because the author is honest, but not self-loathing. He talks about how his struggle with food is only 10% about food, and 90% about the spiritual and emotional needs that he tries to fill with the food he eats. It makes a lot of sense. :)
Current weight: 163.1
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 8
Friday, July 15, 2011
I suck
+1.8 lbs. What the effffff....
I know I haven't been extraordinary excellent at working out lately, but a cupcake at work and some handfuls of starburst shouldn't yield this amount of suck. I swear I'll I've been eating lately is brown rice, turkey sandwiches, and cereal.
Buhhhhh...frustrated. This is disappointing, but I'm trying to not feel bad about myself, for fear that the bad feelings will just result in further weight gain. Because honestly, lately I've been feeling pretty shitty about myself. That I can't do this, and that even if I do, I will still look like shit in a bikini. (I don't even necessarily want to wear a bikini, so who cares about that? I don't. I don't know what my point was.)
I'm doing this because I want to be healthy, to not have a heart attack, and to avoid diabetes. I hate the social stigmas of being fat as well, but that should not be my number one motivation for getting thin.
I also don't need anymore "inspirational" fat literature either. In the end, "Designated Fat Girl" just made me feel worse about myself, and made me hate the author (even though she ended up getting the weight loss surgery, she didn't learn anything from the experience, and still eats like shit! How uninspiring is that?) I picked up another book called "The Religion of Thinness" which just confused the shit out of me because all it talked about was how women are victims are society, and none of us need to diet at all! Also not a message I needed nor want. Isn't that a happy medium somewhere? Haha, stupid books.
I apologize for saying shit like 4 times in this entry. I'm just frustrated. I need to get up and move, and apparently stop eating cupcakes.
Current weight: 165.1
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 10
I know I haven't been extraordinary excellent at working out lately, but a cupcake at work and some handfuls of starburst shouldn't yield this amount of suck. I swear I'll I've been eating lately is brown rice, turkey sandwiches, and cereal.
Buhhhhh...frustrated. This is disappointing, but I'm trying to not feel bad about myself, for fear that the bad feelings will just result in further weight gain. Because honestly, lately I've been feeling pretty shitty about myself. That I can't do this, and that even if I do, I will still look like shit in a bikini. (I don't even necessarily want to wear a bikini, so who cares about that? I don't. I don't know what my point was.)
I'm doing this because I want to be healthy, to not have a heart attack, and to avoid diabetes. I hate the social stigmas of being fat as well, but that should not be my number one motivation for getting thin.
I also don't need anymore "inspirational" fat literature either. In the end, "Designated Fat Girl" just made me feel worse about myself, and made me hate the author (even though she ended up getting the weight loss surgery, she didn't learn anything from the experience, and still eats like shit! How uninspiring is that?) I picked up another book called "The Religion of Thinness" which just confused the shit out of me because all it talked about was how women are victims are society, and none of us need to diet at all! Also not a message I needed nor want. Isn't that a happy medium somewhere? Haha, stupid books.
I apologize for saying shit like 4 times in this entry. I'm just frustrated. I need to get up and move, and apparently stop eating cupcakes.
Current weight: 165.1
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 10
Monday, July 4, 2011
hiking! :)
+0.4 lb.
I weighed myself on Friday morning, and that's what I got. Its totally okay though, because I gave blood last week, and I found it hard to believe I gave away a pint of my blood AND lost 1.3 pounds last week. A little blip, but nothing huge. And there were TWO sounders games and a pub visit last week, so I'm lucky....lol. :) Oooo...I just remember the pub Justin and I went to last weekend. The Pike Restaurant and Brewery--HIGHLY recommended! Justin and I shared a hummus appetezier and got the Margarita pizza (very light, with just cheese, basil, and sauce). Overall a VERY tasty dinner, and I think it was a pretty good choice food wise as well. The beer sampler, probably not so much, but I shared with Justin, and their beer was SUPER good as well. :)
Justin and I went hiking yesterday, and it was amazing! 3 miles up, and 3 miles down, with a BEAUTIFUL lake at the top (complete with snow!) to gaze at. Its called Annette Lake, and its up near Snoqualmie. Absolutely beautiful, but also WAYYYY too cold to even consider getting in. I can't imagine how hot it would have to be to get in that water, but I definitely wanted to anyways....hahah.
Current weight: 163.3
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 8.2
I weighed myself on Friday morning, and that's what I got. Its totally okay though, because I gave blood last week, and I found it hard to believe I gave away a pint of my blood AND lost 1.3 pounds last week. A little blip, but nothing huge. And there were TWO sounders games and a pub visit last week, so I'm lucky....lol. :) Oooo...I just remember the pub Justin and I went to last weekend. The Pike Restaurant and Brewery--HIGHLY recommended! Justin and I shared a hummus appetezier and got the Margarita pizza (very light, with just cheese, basil, and sauce). Overall a VERY tasty dinner, and I think it was a pretty good choice food wise as well. The beer sampler, probably not so much, but I shared with Justin, and their beer was SUPER good as well. :)
Justin and I went hiking yesterday, and it was amazing! 3 miles up, and 3 miles down, with a BEAUTIFUL lake at the top (complete with snow!) to gaze at. Its called Annette Lake, and its up near Snoqualmie. Absolutely beautiful, but also WAYYYY too cold to even consider getting in. I can't imagine how hot it would have to be to get in that water, but I definitely wanted to anyways....hahah.
 |
| Justin and I on our way up to Lake Annette |
 |
| At Lake Annette--Look at all the snow! :) |
Happy 4th everyone! Usually I would be freaking out about how I'm going to mess up my diet at a BBQ, but alas, we have no plans today.
I hardly close at all this coming week, so I definitely plan on walking a whole bunch! I'm determined to see an awesome number come up on the scale next week! :)
Oh, and I added pictures to one of my previous entries of Justin and me hiking to Poo Poo Point! :)
Current weight: 163.3
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 8.2
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Designated Fat Girl
I was poking around Value Village last week looking for something to read. I found this memoir titled "Fat Girl." It was sitting on the coloring table next to the shelf, seeming to be meant for me to find. I contemplated buying it, but I'm cheap, and Value Village charges too much for their used paperbacks (4 bucks? Who do they think they are, a real bookstore? lol.) So I wrote down the title and then headed to the library in Burien. And while they didn't have this specific memoir I was looking for, I did find a similar one, titled "Designated Fat Girl" by Jennifer Joyner.
From the second I picked this book up during one of my lunch breaks at work, I've never had a book speak to me more. While some of her struggles are way beyond anything I've ever experienced in my physical AND mental struggles with food, it seems there is something on every page that jumps out. I just finished reading a part that I can't get out of my head, and I figured out why. Because nearly 2 years, I wrote nearly the same words here in my own journal.
"In the bathtub earlier that day, I'd noticed my first stretch mark. It was an angry crimson color, and it streaked its way down my abdomen, gnarling my skin with ragged bumps, toward my navel. It was a bright ugly reminder of what was happening to my body. I was never a fan of my naked image, and now I felt even more ashamed. I could get rid of the extra pounds, but would the scars ever go away? I felt marked for live."
-Jennifer Joyner; Designated Fat Girl
And from this very blog, titled "Fat Scars," on July 31st, 2009
"I find myself standing in front of the mirror a lot lately, just starring at my body. No, I haven't become a narcissist, I'm just looking for the changes. A majority of the time I'm doing this, its usually in the morning after a shower. While I am noticing my belly slowly shrinking, and the creases in my stomach becoming less, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be okay with my body.
I know that sounds weird...let me explain. If you look at my stomach, I have stretch marks all around my belly button, kind of like a woman who has given birth. To me they are ugly, a reminder that I let myself get so out of control and so fat that my skin couldn't contain all the fat. They start close to my belly button, and kind of fan out a little way. I remember the first time one popped up, it was just a little one, no bigger than the length of my pinky fingernail, right next to my belly button. It was probably a year and a half ago, or maybe a little more than that. I was lingerie shopping with Jes, and saw it in the dressing room. I was devastated, seeing it there, because I knew they were permanent. From there, I don't remember seeing anymore until a couple of days before our Hawaii trip, I looked and they were all over my stomach. I felt helpless, and knew that no matter how much weight I had lost, I could never wear a bikini and fell good naked, because even if I was skinny, I would still have these...scars."
I'll admit I've been struggling a lot lately, emotionally. Some days, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at my stomach and wonder how many situps I have to do to make it flat, or if my skin has the ability to even do that anymore? Did I stay fat too long? What happens when I have kids? This all sounds so vain, but I find it really hard to love myself sometimes, love my own body.
I'm in a new place, and most people don't know how far I've come. So do they look at me and just assume that I'm still just a fat girl? The one girl at work that I told about my journey replied with, "I hate people like you" when she found out that I had lost 60 pounds. While she was (at least partially) joking, it still hurt. But at the same time, why should she care? And should I really be patted on the back for losing weight when it was my fault that I gained it in the first place? I guess its kind of the same thing as being happy when an alcoholic or a drug addict tells you that they've been clean for x amount of months. You're happy for them, but should you be? Tons of people everyday function just fine without drugs or alcohol...or excessive amounts of food. What makes them (or me) so special?
It sucks being inside my head sometimes.
From the second I picked this book up during one of my lunch breaks at work, I've never had a book speak to me more. While some of her struggles are way beyond anything I've ever experienced in my physical AND mental struggles with food, it seems there is something on every page that jumps out. I just finished reading a part that I can't get out of my head, and I figured out why. Because nearly 2 years, I wrote nearly the same words here in my own journal.
"In the bathtub earlier that day, I'd noticed my first stretch mark. It was an angry crimson color, and it streaked its way down my abdomen, gnarling my skin with ragged bumps, toward my navel. It was a bright ugly reminder of what was happening to my body. I was never a fan of my naked image, and now I felt even more ashamed. I could get rid of the extra pounds, but would the scars ever go away? I felt marked for live."
-Jennifer Joyner; Designated Fat Girl
And from this very blog, titled "Fat Scars," on July 31st, 2009
"I find myself standing in front of the mirror a lot lately, just starring at my body. No, I haven't become a narcissist, I'm just looking for the changes. A majority of the time I'm doing this, its usually in the morning after a shower. While I am noticing my belly slowly shrinking, and the creases in my stomach becoming less, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be okay with my body.
I know that sounds weird...let me explain. If you look at my stomach, I have stretch marks all around my belly button, kind of like a woman who has given birth. To me they are ugly, a reminder that I let myself get so out of control and so fat that my skin couldn't contain all the fat. They start close to my belly button, and kind of fan out a little way. I remember the first time one popped up, it was just a little one, no bigger than the length of my pinky fingernail, right next to my belly button. It was probably a year and a half ago, or maybe a little more than that. I was lingerie shopping with Jes, and saw it in the dressing room. I was devastated, seeing it there, because I knew they were permanent. From there, I don't remember seeing anymore until a couple of days before our Hawaii trip, I looked and they were all over my stomach. I felt helpless, and knew that no matter how much weight I had lost, I could never wear a bikini and fell good naked, because even if I was skinny, I would still have these...scars."
I'll admit I've been struggling a lot lately, emotionally. Some days, I'm disgusted with myself. I look at my stomach and wonder how many situps I have to do to make it flat, or if my skin has the ability to even do that anymore? Did I stay fat too long? What happens when I have kids? This all sounds so vain, but I find it really hard to love myself sometimes, love my own body.
I'm in a new place, and most people don't know how far I've come. So do they look at me and just assume that I'm still just a fat girl? The one girl at work that I told about my journey replied with, "I hate people like you" when she found out that I had lost 60 pounds. While she was (at least partially) joking, it still hurt. But at the same time, why should she care? And should I really be patted on the back for losing weight when it was my fault that I gained it in the first place? I guess its kind of the same thing as being happy when an alcoholic or a drug addict tells you that they've been clean for x amount of months. You're happy for them, but should you be? Tons of people everyday function just fine without drugs or alcohol...or excessive amounts of food. What makes them (or me) so special?
It sucks being inside my head sometimes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)