my body.

My last blog post was nearly 4 months ago.

In that time, I've gained 10 pounds.  Fuck.

I could feel my size 8's getting uncomfortable.  Feel my stomach getting a little bigger.  Apparently that is the first place the weight heads back too.  The place that is hardest to get rid it off.  I feel like my face is a bit more round than it has been.  My cheeks are not as refined. 

Back when I juiced, I got down to 133 pounds.  I was elated.  On top of the world.  I also hadn't eaten in a week, and hadn't had bread in quite awhile either.  Looking back, I'm mad at myself for doing what I always criticize other people for doing.  That is, doing a fad diet, or a temporary fix.  I can hear myself saying, "They'll only gain it back plus more."  And low and behold, here we are.

I'm not blaming my downfall on juicing.  I've been breaking down for awhile now.  I canceled my weight watchers subscription because I had stopped using it.  I didn't need to pay $18.95 a month for something I wasn't using.  I told myself, "I'll take a break, regroup, and then I'll want to get back on the program."  Except that was nearly 2 months ago, and I'm still not "ready."

Not only have I been struggling with food intake, mostly portion size and control, but I have gotten unbelievable lazy!  I want to work out, I want to get fit.  But that need is slightly less than the need to stop watching Nip/Tuck, to go for a walk, a run, whatever.  I have been SO inactive.  I feel like the weight gain may not have been as intense if I was at least still walking most nights.  I teach, and then I come home and plant myself in the living room.  Ew.  Disappointing.

So tonight, I'm done saying, saying, saying.  I signed up for the new gym in town.  Paid 40 bucks for a month's membership, and because I'm paying it for, I'm using it!  Its small, but 24 hours, and all the equipment is new.  The past couple of days I've been trying to eat less, to not feel sick after I was done eating.  Because I've literally been eating too much, and I know it!  I guess that's the part that makes me feel most sad--I'm sitting there, I know I'm full, but I finish my plate.  I haven't had the issue in awhile.  Fuck.

And now I have a gym that I'm going to go to once a day.  I love the gym.  I miss WSU's SO much.  I love to jog on the treadmill and watch TV.  Use the elliptical and listen to bad music with good beats.

My challenge for the next 2 weeks:  Go to the gym everyday.  Because its 24 hours, I have no excuse.  We're heading off to Vegas 2 weeks from now, in the evening.  So that leaves me with 14 straight days of working out.  Once a day, everyday.  Starting tonight, after I post this.

I not putting a goal weight quite yet.  I need to get through my fitness challenge first.  And then we'll see where I am weight wise, and set a goal.  Because really, I will never be done.  And there will never be a "perfect" goal weight number.  And that's okay.  I just never want to hate myself again.  Hate how much I weigh and feel hopeless about it.  I have full control of my body, of what I eat, of how much I exercise.  I'm in charge, and I'm back.  Again.

Current weight: 148 pounds