Dreams and more exercise!

Last night I had a dream that I met The Situation from The Jersey Shore.  I tried to hide from him, because I assumed he would be rude to me, or call me a "grenade" because I'm fat.  He was surprisingly nice (lol, only in my dreams, right?), and told me that I had I was a "reverse grenade."  That I had a pretty face but a fat body, but that in time I will have both a pretty face and a pretty body, and that he would be seeing me again.

What the hell, right?  Hilarious.

I worked out again today this afternoon.  I did the weight loss routine on the elliptical, did some more arm exercises to try and target the "hello fat," and then hit the track.  My only issue I'm having while running on the track is the ability to breathe (which is, well, important.)  I just don't think I'm breathing properly, because I can only make it about 2 laps before the pain in my side/upper rib area becomes unbearable.  Does anyone know how you're supposed to breathe when running?  I'll probably just google it, but having first hand experience answers are always nice.  :)

Biggest Loser started again.  I have a love/hate relationship with this show.  I get sad when I see that a 29 year old weighs 468 pounds.  Then I get happy for him when he loses 30 pounds in a week.  Then I want to punch him because it seems so "easy" for him (obviously I know its not, they work out all day everyday and have Jillian Michaels screaming in their face...)  I tell myself I'm doing it the "right" way because I'm doing it for the long haul, but believe me, I'd be on that show in a second if it was offered to me.  I wish someone would give me a break from life (i.e. no classes, work, responsibilities), only give me the ability to eat healthy foods, and lock me away from the world so I can only work out.  I'd be at my goal weight in a couple of weeks.  But that's obviously not real life.  Lame.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to my weigh in on Friday.  I hope I don't get disappointed.  But even if the numbers aren't there, I know I did well this week.

Exercise update

I went and worked out last night!  For a little over an hour too.  I hit up the elliptical and did a intervals workout so it was switching every 1-2 minutes how intense the hills were.  I did a few lifting for my arms (but I get bored easily by it), and then I hit up the track and ran around the track 4 times, which I think is half a mile.

I told Justin he has to be mean to me this week if I start to get lazy and not want to go work out.  I'm hopeful that this week will be better!

A renewed sense of self

I went through all of my blog entries this morning and plugged in my weight losses into an excel sheet with the dates. Upon doing this, I've discovered that right now, I weigh about as much as I did in around the end of March--meaning that I've gained back around 4 pounds since then. And its not just that I gained back 4 pounds...its that I've wasted around 6 months with my yo-yo-ing and laziness.

It also helped me to read back through all my entries...I feel a bit renewed in my motivation and quest. I really was exercising everyday with Justin and walking and doing water aerobics.

THAT is what I need to get back too. I need to have an active lifestyle...period. I have to tell myself no matter how tired I am or how much homework I have that taking 45 minutes out of my day to do some cardio is so worth it.

Because I'm going keep going. I'm going to be better, healthier, and I'm going to reach my goals that I started out wanting to hit.

Goodbye Apathy, hello 140 pounds! :)

+0.9 pounds.

SUCK.

Current weight: 176.9
Next goal: 169 lbs.  I need to lose 7.9 lbs to get there

Okay, here we go.

-1.1 pounds

Now this is the part where I say it was a good week, and then I'll set some goals and next week will be even better, and then next week I'll either stay the same or gain some weight again.

I'm sick of this yo-yo routine of gaining and losing, and most of the time, never really completely losing the gain before gaining more.  That's how the creeping back up and getting fat again happens.  I get on here and say lots of things, and then nothing comes up except me crying after getting off the scale and snapping at Justin about how hard this all is and feeling sorry for myself.

I have to stop this cycle that I'm stuck in.  I need my motivation back.  I need another clear goal set in my mind...something to look forward too--something I want to look my best at.  I've had multiple people in my life tell me that they felt like Kauai was a clear end goal in my eyes and that as soon as that was over, I lost my motivation...and that's probably true.  Graduation?  Is that enough?  To want to look absolutely amazing in all my graduation pictures? 

It sounds so silly and superficial, but I feel like those are the types of things that really motivate me--being able to look back at a picture and not hate myself.

Current weight: 176
Next goal: 169 lbs.  I need to lose 7 lbs to get there

I struggle with forward motion

 +2 pounds.

How depressing.  I will admit that I am extremely discouraged right now.  I feel bad about myself, about my body.  I hate food.  No, I take that back.  I don't hate food.  I hate that I have no self control.

Besides having pizza at matt's, which I already predicted was going to be a huge hurdle for me this week, another problem is snack at preschool.  We feed those kids so much god damn cheese, and I couldn't even help myself this week.  This week, the problem was definitely cheese.

I've been mulling over in my head how to fix the snack problem.  I think I just won't serve snack  to the kids next week, or only on days where we're having lots of vegetables, so when I get the urge to snack, it will be on green peppers and broccoli instead of grilled cheese sandwiches and cheese and crackers and string cheese and bananas.  See what I mean?  All fucking cheese.

Being obese again is fucking depressing.  And its not even that I look or feel that much fatter, but knowing that I am back in that weight bracket that is stigmatized and grossly dangerous for my health messes with my head.

I did work out yesterday morning.  Didn't seem to matter though.

Current weight: 177.1
Next goal: 169 lbs.  I need to lose 8.1 lbs to get there.

Pizza pizza=love/hate relationship

-0.2 lbs.  Sad. 

Right after I weighed myself on Friday I went and worked out...haha.  I felt like I should if I wanted to make more progress.

But then we went to Matt's parents house last night and I ate pizza and ate bread.  When I drink, I crave bread.  Its a terrible craving for my weight loss. 

I have a feeling that I'm going to spend the rest of the week working off yesterday's mistake.  I made the choice, I live with the choice.  Such is life. 

I think I will go work out today, and make myself go to the gym at least two more times this week.  At this point, I feel like exercise is key to my success (or lack of success at this point...haha.)

Current weight: 175.1
Next goal: 169 lbs.  I need to lose 6.1 lbs to get there.