Designated Fat Girl

I was poking around Value Village last week looking for something to read.  I found this memoir titled "Fat Girl."  It was sitting on the coloring table next to the shelf, seeming to be meant for me to find.  I contemplated buying it, but I'm cheap, and Value Village charges too much for their used paperbacks (4 bucks?  Who do they think they are, a real bookstore?  lol.)  So I wrote down the title and then headed to the library in Burien.  And while they didn't have this specific memoir I was looking for, I did find a similar one, titled "Designated Fat Girl" by Jennifer Joyner.

From the second I picked this book up during one of my lunch breaks at work, I've never had a book speak to me more.  While some of her struggles are way beyond anything I've ever experienced in my physical AND mental struggles with food, it seems there is something on every page that jumps out.  I just finished reading a part that I can't get out of my head, and I figured out why.  Because nearly 2 years, I wrote nearly the same words here in my own journal.


"In the bathtub earlier that day, I'd noticed my first stretch mark.  It was an angry crimson color, and it streaked its way down my abdomen, gnarling my skin with ragged bumps, toward my navel.  It was a bright ugly reminder of what was happening to my body.  I was never a fan of my naked image, and now I felt even more ashamed.  I could get rid of the extra pounds, but would the scars ever go away?  I felt marked for live."
-Jennifer Joyner; Designated Fat Girl

And from this very blog, titled "Fat Scars," on July 31st, 2009
"I find myself standing in front of the mirror a lot lately, just starring at my body. No, I haven't become a narcissist, I'm just looking for the changes. A majority of the time I'm doing this, its usually in the morning after a shower. While I am noticing my belly slowly shrinking, and the creases in my stomach becoming less, I can't help but wonder if I will ever be okay with my body.

I know that sounds weird...let me explain. If you look at my stomach, I have stretch marks all around my belly button, kind of like a woman who has given birth. To me they are ugly, a reminder that I let myself get so out of control and so fat that my skin couldn't contain all the fat. They start close to my belly button, and kind of fan out a little way. I remember the first time one popped up, it was just a little one, no bigger than the length of my pinky fingernail, right next to my belly button. It was probably a year and a half ago, or maybe a little more than that. I was lingerie shopping with Jes, and saw it in the dressing room. I was devastated, seeing it there, because I knew they were permanent. From there, I don't remember seeing anymore until a couple of days before our Hawaii trip, I looked and they were all over my stomach. I felt helpless, and knew that no matter how much weight I had lost, I could never wear a bikini and fell good naked, because even if I was skinny, I would still have these...scars."

 I'll admit I've been struggling a lot lately, emotionally.  Some days, I'm disgusted with myself.  I look at my stomach and wonder how many situps I have to do to make it flat, or if my skin has the ability to even do that anymore?  Did I stay fat too long?  What happens when I have kids?  This all sounds so vain, but I find it really hard to love myself sometimes, love my own body.

I'm in a new place, and most people don't know how far I've come.  So do they look at me and just assume that I'm still just a fat girl?  The one girl at work that I told about my journey replied with, "I hate people like you" when she found out that I had lost 60 pounds.  While she was (at least partially) joking, it still hurt.  But at the same time, why should she care?  And should I really be patted on the back for losing weight when it was my fault that I gained it in the first place?  I guess its kind of the same thing as being happy when an alcoholic or a drug addict tells you that they've been clean for x amount of months.  You're happy for them, but should you be?  Tons of people everyday function just fine without drugs or alcohol...or excessive amounts of food.  What makes them (or me) so special?


It sucks being inside my head sometimes.

How much does a pint of blood weigh?

-1.3 lbs.

I'm a little worried this is not entirely accurate, because I donated blood on Thursday...haha, so if a little gain comes back next week, that will probably be why.  Buutttt, if I can maintain or even lose for next weekend, that would be sweet.  haha.

Anyways!  Justin and I went hiking up to Poo Poo point yesterday.  Absolutely gorgeous!  The point is a hang glider take off point, and you an see most of Issaquah and Bellevue from up there...amazing! 




Me at the first look out point




Together!  :)




The view from the top of the hang glider's point.  Most of Issquah.




Junie came along with us too, and really enjoyed herself!  :)


I did cardio kickboxing and summer ab sculpt on the TV on Tuesday.  That was good, I just wish I would've done it again this week.  And you can do the kickboxing routine with Kendra Wilkinson...haha random.

Also, I'm changing my next goal.  As I've talked about before, I've always outweighed by husband, and at some points in our relationship, by LOTS.  Soooo...you can imagine how excited I am to nearly be equal to him in weight.  So my next mini-goal countdown will be when I weigh less than him!  So last weigh-in he weight 155.2.  I currently weigh 162.9.  So I have 7.8 pounds to lose, and then I can officially weigh less than my hubby!  I'm pretty excited for his!

Current weight: 162.9
Weight loss to be less than the hubby: 7.8

voodoo donuts are kryptonite

-0.4 lbs. 
Not quite what I gained last week.  Lameeee.

My foot is feeling a lot better, so if it doesn't rain on Thursday, Justin and I are going to go hiking before the Sounders game, because we both have the day off!  Yay!

I'm going to go explore the work out options on demand right now, because I've got to get my ass in gear for me to make my goals this summer.  And I had a Voodoo donut when I was home this weekend...vegan means its healthier, right?  lol.

Oh!  And Justin and I are getting incredibly close to weighing the SAME.  Last time he checked, he weighs 155.  I only outweigh him by 9ish pounds!  Just thinking back to when we got married, I outweighed by almost 80 pounds.  I've lost a lot, he's gained a little, and we're nearly the same.  I'm excited to think that there could be a time where I actually weigh less than my husband!  :)

Current weight: 164.2
New 5% goal weight to lose: 7.3

up down up down up down up down up down

Suck.  +0.9 lbs.

Justin and I attempted hiking again last weekend, but only went halfway up the trail and back down again.  I was feeling sick, and Justin did the last leg of the hike barefoot because his new hiking shoes broke and were giving him serious blisters...haha, we're definitely still novice hikers at best!  :)

Two days later, after a long, obnoxious day at work, I tell Justin and I want to go on a walk around the neighborhood, since it was nice and sunny.  I had come home from work and put on a dress and flipflops, and just wanted to enjoy the new weather.  WELP, SEVEN MILES LATER....lol.  We started heading for the water (Justin's neighborhood is right next to the Puget Sound, awesome!), but Justin has only ever driven there, so he didn't realize how far it was walking wise.  My feet were on fire, generally because flipflops are not good 7 mile walking shoes.

Here's the problem though: the next day, my ankle started throbbing at work.  And it STILL IS.  I believe I pulled some funky tendon the runs down the side of my foot under my ankle, and I have no idea how to fix it.  But let me tell you, working retail, and having to stand up all day, probably not helping it!

So the whole rest of the week, I did nothing.  I did walk to farmers market downtown on Thursday, but ended up limping back home rather than walking.  And apparently sitting all week with a bad ankle=weight gain.  This week I'm going to attempt to do some of the Pilates workouts on demand so at least I'm still getting my heart rate up, even though I can't actually do any strenuous activity standing up.

Here's hoping next weekend's weigh-in will be better!

Current weight: 164.7
New 5% goal weight to lose: 7.7

2 weeks

So last week, after all my "yeah, lets get going with this again" post, I gained 0.4 lbs.  So instead of letting it get me down, Justin and I decided to go hiking instead! 

Justin googled a trail that was only 4 miles round trip and had a great lookout point in Issaquah.  We went, and 10 miles later, we found out that hiking websites can be incorrect, and we never actually found the lookout point.  (Poo Poo trail DOES NOT lead to Poo Poo Point, in case you were wondering....lol.)  But the hiking was amazing, and I was sore for days afterwards.

And it, combined with walking one other night in the week, led me to my weigh-in today, which was
-1.8 pounds!  :)  Yay!


Last night, Sarah and I made Mexican potstickers, which were freaking amazing, and Justin's whole family (minus TJ, who doesn't do Mexican...lol) loved them.  I'll post the recipe here when I'm not crunched for time, because now I have to head to work! They're from Hungry Girl's new 300 for 300 recipe book, which is pretty awesome.  :)

Current weight: 163.8
New 5% goal weight to lose: 6.8